On Having Three Children
Here it is, the promised articulation that struck me a few days ago on the subject of having three children. (Parents or potential parents of multiples note, this probably doesn't apply to you):
- One child is hard. Very hard. Raising even one child (or at least, doing it right) requires enormous dedication, suspension or deferment of many goals and aspirations, and huge, heaping volumes of patience. It is worth every loving moment, but should not be entered into lightly.
- Two children is immensely harder than one child. With one child, you can focus your undivided attention on him (in my case, first is a boy, so you will please suffer the pronoun), pour all your energy into him and let none of his thoughts or sayings slip through your proverbial mental cracks. With two children, you must divide your attention between them somehow. You must keep the older from maiming the younger (in misguided attempts at affection.) You should listen to all they both have to say, and play with both of them, even on the days when they want to play in totally different rooms. Sometimes, one or the other will say something that does slip through the cracks, and you must deal with the consequences of that. Even more patience is required, but now balance, and also an aura of justice and consistency that both kids must perceive clearly (whether it works in their favor or not.) Raising two kids is really, really hard: if you felt like you were in over your head with one kid, stop now and raise him as best you can. But if parenthood sits just right with you, and you feel your heart aching to love even more, bring another one home. If that still doesn't satiate the aching in your heart, then...
- Three children. It's everything I said about two children, only there's one more. That's it. Really, that's it. At least, so far that's it. But having had two children, very different from each other and yet fitting together as a family system, it isn't hard to project with some clarity into the future how things will go. And the future looks a little like the past, only better because there's one more of them to love (and to be loved by.)
I suspect that four is probably a lot like three, only with one more. I think the one->two transition was the real test of Parenthoodability™. It was enormously difficult – and singularly rewarding – so much so that my dear wife and I felt compelled to do it again.